A Fine Line
by smiles2go
Summary: AU in which Ethan and Reid are together. Set shortly after Tobias Hankel. Reid needs something only Ethan can give him. Warning - tones of BDSM, slash.


_Standard Disclaimer: Not mine. Too bad, it would so much more…. visceral._

_AN: Just a one-shot in an AU I've created for Ethan and Reid. The only difference in Ethan is a soft southern drawl. After seeing how comfortable Reid was with Ethan and the fact that Ethan could tell instantly that Reid was using, I decided there had to be more going on with those two. This bit didn't quite fit with the longer fic so here it is as a one-shot._

**A Fine Line**

Sometimes, his mind stutters, moving a thousand times faster than his mouth can keep up with and Reid stumbles to a stop in the middle of what he's saying, totally lost where he's going, waiting for his brain to loop back around.

When that happens, it's like Ethan is in his head and knows, _knows_ he needs confirmation or assurance…or that elusive _something_ only Ethan can give and before he even realizes he needs it, Ethan is touching him, centering him. Fingertips on his arm, palm in the middle of his back, a bump with his shoulder, just a simple touch and Spencer is all right again.

It started after the Phillip Dowd catastrophe and it worked so much better than the therapy Hotch had forced him to attend. They didn't need to talk about it. It wasn't about words, words couldn't give him absolution, he'd learned that long ago. Words danced on the air, floating here and there, they didn't actually touch you. You couldn't feel words. This, though, _this_ emptied his mind and touched his soul.

It had been his idea, he'd read something that triggered the thought and it wouldn't go away no matter how many times he dismissed it from his mind until it was a craving need deeper than the drug could ever reach. After Hankel, he'd given in and convinced himself to ask Ethan to do it again, as soon as he was back. He knew Ethan had noticed changes in his voice and when they came face to face Reid was sure he wouldn't be able to hide anything.

Intellectually, he'd understood what happened when an agent was taken hostage, but just like everything else, reality was so much …so much more _real._ Up close and personal, in his face pain and suffering. He hadn't wanted the dilaudid, had always stayed away from drugs of any kind, thinking twice before he took an aspirin, but afterward, when he was flying and his mind was quiet…quiet for the first time in his life—he was free to just _feel_. It was an experience he wasn't willing to give up, not just yet.

When he was awake, Reid fooled himself into thinking he could control the cravings, but when the nightmares came and he woke screaming Tobias' name, begging for forgiveness that would never come that he ran to the bathroom and grabbed the little bottles hidden carefully from sight. Rationalizing that if Ethan were here, he would stop him, help him, love him, Reid filled the needle and sank into oblivion.

He'd told Ethan about the shooting and even about being held hostage. It wasn't until Ethan was back from Europe and knew instantly after one look that he was using drugs, knew before he'd grabbed Reid's arm and ripped the sleeve up to see the needle marks, he just knew.

That was when Reid remembered that _thing_ from before, that _thing_ that granted him forgiveness and he knew it would work for this too. Without a word spoken between them, Reid slowly pulled his arm away from Ethan's hands and slid gracefully to his knees. "Punish me." A low whisper, but Ethan heard and gasped going to his knees facing Reid whose head was bent, eyes on the floor.

"Spencer?" A gentle hand in his hair, petting and combing through the strands hanging down, shielding his eyes. "Are you sure?"

Shaking his head vigorously, Reid bent over farther, until his nose was almost on the carpet. "P…Please." His voice was shaking and he didn't think he could say anything else. Reid knew Ethan would figure it out, understand what he wanted. He had the first time.

"All right." Ethan said after a tense moment, pulling Reid up with him. "Close your eyes." Reid allowed Ethan to guide him to the bedroom, eyes tightly closed. "Stand still." Moving around in front of him, Ethan quickly unbuttoned Reid's shirt, letting it fall to the floor and pulled the tee shirt over his head. Walking around Reid, hands constantly touching here and there, Ethan took both of Reid's arms and held them up to one of the tall posts at the foot of the bed and waited until Reid wrapped his fingers tightly around it. "Do I need to blindfold you or can you keep your eyes closed?" His voice had changed; it was hard, impersonal, the soft drawl completely gone. He wasn't Ethan his lover anymore; he was Ethan the Master now. Reid shivered and nodded.

Sliding his hands down Reid's arms, over his shoulders and down his back, Ethan slid them around to unbuckle Reid's belt. Reid shivered again when his pants pooled around his feet and he felt Ethan kneel and lift one leg at a time, taking shoes, socks, boxers and cords off all at once until he stood naked. Feeling Ethan's hands stroke his cheeks, Reid whimpered, letting his head fall forward resting on his arms.

There was silence for another moment or two and then Reid heard Ethan's belt being slowly drawn through the loops. Trailing the end of the leather across Reid's back, Ethan leaned in to whisper in Reid's ear, one hand tight around the back of his neck. "We'll start with ten. If you can be a good boy and hold on, I'll give you another ten." Pressing a kiss to Reid's head, he went on. "We'll continue on until you let go." Another kiss. "Understand?"

A frantic nod and Ethan stepped away. "Count out loud for me."

Silence. Reid twitched in frustration before he heard a swoosh and the belt slapped hard onto his ass. Hands clenching tightly, he lurched forward so his chest slammed into the post. Reid gasped out, "One!" Ethan gave him time to breathe before the next strike. "Two!"

Three, four and five came in rapid succession and Reid lifted his head to cry out in pain, hands wrapped tightly around the post. A short rest to get his breath and Ethan was there pushing sweaty hair out of his eyes. "Good boy, you're doing so _good_ for me."

Reid nodded slightly and took great gasping breaths. Forcing himself to picture the welts on his ass instead of the little bottles in his bag, Reid sobbed his way through six, seven and eight. By nine Reid was screaming with each strike, barely able to stutter the count. At ten he was still firmly holding onto the post ignoring the tears streaming down his face.

"I'm so proud of you." Ethan ran his hand over the welts causing Reid to give a choking cry. "You've been such a good boy and a good boy deserves a reward, doesn't he?" Ethan tugged his hair gently. "A good boy can take ten more, can't he?"

Reid nodded, he was still able to think, still able to calculate the length of time before he'd be able to sit based on the width of the belt, the number of strikes and the strength— "Elev…en." He ground out between clenched teeth.

By fifteen he'd slid down to his knees, hands locked around the post only vaguely aware of Ethan praising him during a short break. By eighteen, he barely felt anything beyond the pain, deep enough to set fire to his soul and his mind went into a white-out. The next thing he knew was Ethan cradling him in his arms before laying him gently on the bed, wiping his face with a soft cloth and rolling him onto his stomach. He heard the rumble of Ethan's voice crooning over him, but couldn't understand the words. Drifting away again, too sore to move, Reid relaxed against the cool sheets. When he opened his eyes again, Ethan was gently rubbing cream into his sore skin with cool fingertips.

Turning his head slightly to look up at Ethan, Reid managed a small smile. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." Ethan stilled his hands and studied Reid's eyes. "Better?" He finally asked, spreading more cream.

"Yeah." Reid drifted along, not ready to come back to the real world.

"We _are_ going to talk about this. You know that, right Spence?" The southern accent was back and Reid smiled, letting his eyes drift shut without answering. "You're going to tell me what happened to trigger this… this whole thing."

In the morning, it didn't take much convincing for Reid to call in a sick day. Thank goodness it was Friday, by Monday he should be able to sit again, if gingerly. The team could never find out. He didn't want them to know he couldn't handle everything that came at him without resorting to _that_.

Most importantly, he felt whole, the _thing_ had worked like magic again.

Stepping out of the shower, Reid found a steaming mug of coffee on the counter. "Thanks!" He called through the half open door before wrapping himself in a fluffy white towel and lifting it with both hands. Ethan pushed the door open and leaned against the frame, lazy smile on his face.

"You're already dressed." Glancing up at the clock, he took a deep gulp of coffee. "You've already been for a run? And a shower?" He frowned harder at Ethan's amused nods. "Oh. Um, well is there anything you want to do today?" Taking another gulp, he watched Ethan over the rim of the mug. "There's nothing scheduled on your calendar."

"We're going to talk." Ethan stood and took the coffee from Reid's hands and sat it on the counter ignoring his protests. "We're gonna figure this out, Spencer." Tugging on a corner of the towel, Ethan unwrapped Reid and started drying him off, taking extra care around the welts.

"I can't… can't talk about it. I can't…" Reid looked away unable to meet Ethan's eyes. "You don't understand…."

"You're right, I don't understand." Ethan hung the towel up and left Reid in the bathroom. Grabbing his coffee, Reid followed him into the bedroom, walking slowly and carefully. With a pointed glance at Reid's rear, Ethan sighed. "I don't understand why you feel you have to be punished—"

"I need—" Reid pulled open a drawer and grabbed a pair of boxers and sweat pants, pulling them on quickly.

"No, you listen to me Spence." Ethan sat on the bed, taking his own coffee mug from the nightstand. "I'm not doing that again unless you give me a damn good reason why you need to be beaten before you can …" He waved the mug in the air before continuing. "…can forgive yourself or ….whatever the fuck it is you need! Don't leave out the part about you using drugs either."

"Please." Kneeling on the floor in front of Ethan, Reid winced and put one hand on his lover's knee. "My brain won't shut off, it never shuts off. I see …I see…" Reid closed his eyes and shook his head. "It's like a movie constantly playing over and over in my head. The gun, the look on his face when I shot him…" Eyes filling with tears, Reid swiped at them angrily. "I can't take it anymore. Tobias was nice to me, he tried to protect me from Charles and Raphael and I killed him."

"I thought there was only one guy, Tobias Hankel?" Ethan sat the mug down and pulled Reid up on the bed beside him. "What aren't you telling me Spencer?"

"He drugged me with dilaudid, to help me escape the pain when his other two personalities tortured me." Reid looked down at his hands, twisting in his lap. "He wouldn't listen when I said no….but for the first time…the first time ever, Ethan…" Daring a glance at Ethan's face Reid took a deep breath. "My brain shut off and I….I …" Biting his lip, Reid stopped, ashamed to admit it.

"You what Spence?" Ethan cupped Reid's face and turned it to meet his eyes. "Whatever it is, it's all right baby."

"It's not all right. I took the drugs…" Shrugging one shoulder, he pulled away from Ethan's hand, squirming uncomfortably on the bed. "It lets me…I mean I…um…my brain shuts off and the movie … _stops_." Standing, he started to pace in front of Ethan. "I know taking drugs is bad, but even more than the normal drug addiction…. I crave the quiet, the peace. Can you understand that Ethan?" Stopping in front of the other man, Reid tucked his hair back behind one ear in a nervous gesture.

"Yeah. I think I understand a little of what goes on inside that head of yours." Ethan lifted one corner of his mouth in a half-smile. "But Spencer, you shot an insane bastard who held you hostage, hurt you, forced drugs on you… you had to do what you did to escape. That was the right thing to do."

"A man is still dead! He could've been helped, could've …"

"No." Ethan stood suddenly angry, eyes snapping. "You listen to me Spencer Reid. You do not take chances with your life! If you were … if you… Spence, I couldn't go on without you."

Reid smiled and shook his head at Ethan, pulling him into a hug. "You're being overly dramatic." He chided, rubbing their cheeks together, sighing at the stubble scratching against his own. "I'm not going to die."

"You said he was making you dig your own grave!" Ethan pulled the younger man tighter, tangling a hand in his hair and the other soothing his back. "So don't tell me your job isn't dangerous. Now." He pushed Reid back a step. "Stop trying to distract me. I want to know why the whipping helps and what we're gonna do about it."

"It … it accomplishes the same result as the drugs. I killed a man, two men now." Reid ran his fingers through wet tangled hair, pulling at it. "That's wrong, I need to be punished for that….I need—"

"You damn well don't need punished for doing your job! You make it sound like you're one of those unsubs you're always going on about. You can't forgive yourself, that's what this is." Ethan sat back on the bed and tapped steepled long fingers against his mouth. "I'd do anything for you Spencer, you know that. I'll do this for you if necessary, but I don't … I don't enjoy hurting you. I want to …to find something else that works. Okay?"

"You think I haven't tried?" Reid went to the closet and pulled a blue dress shirt off the hanger and slipped his arms in the sleeves. "I've researched this Ethan. I … there's nothing else. I don't want to take the drugs."

"You're damn well not taking the drugs." Ethan stood and pushing Reid's hands away, started buttoning him up. "Just promise me you'll look for another solution." He leaned to kiss Reid. "This shirt is going to look funny with sweat pants." He chuckled.

"I'm not….oh." Reid blushed and reached up to start unbuttoning the shirt. "I'll try, I promise." Lifting his eyes to meet Ethan's he smiled. "I'm sorry I ruined our reunion last night. It's been almost three weeks and I'd planned to fuck your socks off."

"Yeah, well…" Ethan laughed and pulled the shirt off, dropping it on the floor. "Sore ass or not, I'm fucking you now. Right now." Pulling Reid down on top of him, Ethan fell back on the bed.

"You're a little over-dressed for the occasion." Reid laughed into his mouth.

"You're a genius." Ethan deepened the kiss, taking control. "Figure it out."


End file.
